12.18.2018
Introduction
Genesis 2:18 reads heyot ha-adam le'vado, or that it is not good for man to be lonely. According to Chabad.org (2018), there is a stark difference between being alone and being lonely. The Jewish faith ensures that there is a goal of finding someone to marry, and not because of Western beliefs that openly encourage people to find a significant other for financial or often selfish reasons; instead, it is a crucial aspect of Judaism that marriage is indeed a blessing. It is something that encapsulates two beings and sees them as one. Due to the Jewish faith seeing marriage and romantic partners in this light, I chose to explore more of the complexities of what it means to date Jewish, marry Jewish, and think Jewish when seeking overall contentment in life–– as being with a partner can further expand the light of so many other areas of one’s life.
Love Matters
In order to better understand where the profound concept of being one with someone else originated in Judaism, it is necessary to understand some of the inner workings of what marriage means within the faith. For example, when a couple chooses to marry in Judaism, they sign a marriage contract, or a ketubah. This contract varies slightly from that of a typical marital agreement, in that a prenuptial agreement tends to lay out the foundation for a couple’s assets, and doesn’t include personal devotions of respect and love. According to the DC Bar Pro Bono Center (2018), some premarital agreements refer to the fact that each person will keep all money earned, including assets they have either before or after marriage.
In a ketubah (Jewish marriage contract), the primary purpose of its creation is to clearly define what the man’s financial responsibility will be to the woman he is going to marry (My Jewish Learning, 2018). Although that is the main intent of the document, many modern ketubahs include details of the couple’s love for each other and how they will stay committed for the future. Although some have seen the ketubah as sexist, it is arguably a contract that actually helped women maintain stability and trust with her partner. Indeed, it involves the man to lay out his financial commitments, but a typical marital contract mimics that of a ketubah in this sense–– and is not necessarily seen as sexist.
In Judaism, love is seen as something that is meant to be. The Yiddish word bashert means fate or destiny. In this regard, the Jewish faith values love and sees it as bashert for every man and woman. The idea that each individual has a soul mate, or someone they are destined to be with–– is essential to the faith. Many Jewish people often question whether or not they have found their bashert, and although it would be nice, in theory, to know whether or not one has found theirs–– there is no true way of having this answered. Instead, Judaism stresses that the man and woman must work hard for their marriage. This includes dedication, effort, and energy that the couple has to put into the marriage truly becoming something of substance (Jewish Virtual Library, 2018).
American Marriage
According to the American Psychological Association (2018), in Western cultures, more than 90 percent of people marry before age 50, but 40 to 50 percent of marriages in the United States will result in divorce. I have lived in a culture where love, romance, serenading others, and placing such a high value on appearance seems to trump most other images that American people see on a daily basis. During my first year studying Human Development and Family Studies at Colorado State University, I questioned how it could be true that the divorce rate was so high. Yet there I was, in a classroom full of mostly female students, who answered on a classroom poll that nearly half of them don’t want to focus on marriage at this time. Instead, many of the female students I studied with in college wanted to prioritize careers, wealth, and an outward appearance on their Instagram pages.
Through due course, I learned that much of the confusion I had in my studies were due to the pressures I faced to be academically oriented, rather than to focus on my happiness and having a family. My classes often taught me of how marriage rates in the U.S. were decreasing, while depression and anxiety cases were rapidly increasing. The United States Census Bureau (2018) reported that in the 1950’s, nearly 70 percent of all U.S. women were married. Today, that number has plummeted to less than 50 percent (U.S. Census Bureau, 2018). With these data in mind, it is clear that the modern woman does not value marriage in the same way that women of the past did, and doing so is jeopardizing people’s happiness.
In The Jew and His Home: A Guide to Jewish Family Life (Kitov, 2000), Rabbi Eliyahu Kitov remarks that when a man is looking for a wife, it’s as though he is searching for something that is his already, but it has been lost. Through this interpretation of the high value of marriage in Judaism, I have shifted my thinking in just how special a relationship marriage truly can be. The blessing of marriage can be seen through kidushin, or the formal hand in marriage in the presence of witnesses (Torah, Laws of Marriage). In the way that marriage is a beautiful bond between two people united as one, the Jewish faith requires that a couple devote themselves to each other in a unique way. This devotion is not one that many Americans value to the extent that it is valued in Judaism; therefore, more marriages outside of the faith are bound to result in divorce when that commitment is lacking.
Dating Jewish
In Aziz Ansari’s Modern Romance, he breaks down the ways that dating have shifted to what the ideals are today, compared to that of the past. His research led him to discover that much of the dating that Americans are doing is through online dating. For example, he remarks in his book that he once met a man who found his wife on Match.com by searching “Jewish” and his postal code (Ansari, 2015). Interestingly enough, there are also very specific websites that have been created for Jews to meet, such as JDate, Yenta, and World of Jewish Singles (World of Singles, 2015). Although dating Jewish is not a decision that some Jews make, it is quite important to many Jewish families worldwide.
In a study done at the University of Chicago by psychologist John Cacioppo, between 2005 and 2012, more than one third of couples who got married in the United States met through an online dating site (Ansari, 2015). Online dating is now the single biggest predictor of marriage today–– more so than work, school, and friends combined (Ansari, 2015). With that in mind, it can be very helpful for Jewish people to meet in a way that their faith and interests align. Technology is a tool that allows for Jewish people to follow the teachings of the Torah. It is possible that many Jews can meet outside of Shabbat in order to expand on their devotions to their faith.
Through studying Kabbalah, I have learned that there are three types of love. The I “it” love, the I “you” love, and the single “I” love. There is a progression of the ways in which love manifests in the Jewish faith. Upon first meeting someone, there may be the I “it” love for them, because the other person is valued as a possession might be to a human in them feeling a desire for something. From there, as the relationship develops and the couple continues to date, there may be the I “you” love, where each person in the relationship loves the other person in the sense that they indeed add to their life and becoming a better person. The single “I” love is the most profound, however, because it is when the couple sees themselves as one, rather than two separate beings. They have conjoined their love for each other so greatly that their love for themselves is just as strong for each other, and the two are nearly indistinguishable.
That sense of the single “I” love is the kind of love that so many seek, but do not realize is actually something that is equal parts effort and chance. German philosopher Arthur Schopenhauer (1818) referred to this in his work The World as Will and Representation. He discusses how “marriages are not generally the result of pure choice and inclination, but of all kinds of external considerations and accidental circumstances.” This reflection can be used to question the ways in which love rules the world, but one must always digest its purpose and value in their life. Additionally, it is why dating and eventually marrying Jewish are in fact extremely special to expanding on the knowledge and wisdom of Jewish think.
Conclusion
Rabbi Yirimiya noted that “When God created the first human, it was both male and female. That is why the verse says: ‘Male and female... He created them.’” (Midrash, Bereishit Rabah 8:1). As noted by Jewish mysticism of Zohar, when God sends souls forth to the world, male and female are joined together. Men and women must work together as one, in order to continue the ways in which the Jewish faith can add to the beauty and complexity of life. Through my lessons in my Jewish faith, I have found a spark in the potential for my future marriage-- that surely keeps an equilibrium within the faith. That spark must be ignited by young Jews worldwide, as each of them can search for deeper meaning in love, romance, and faith each day.